Fear, Fear, Fear

July, 1999
By a former 14 -year- member of the UPCI

I went to a UPC church for 14 years. The church I went to was [in the Midwest] where I live. I cannot tell you everything I went trough--it was so horrible.

The only reason why I stayed there so long was because they scared me to death by telling me that horrible things would happen to me if I left. They used scare tactics to keep me going to church. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR!!!

I thought of committing suicide a few times because of all the stress they put on me. I was freaking out because I just knew that if I did not get the Holy Ghost, then I would fry in hell. I got to the point where I almost had a nervous breakdown. And the finally I got the Holy Ghost!!!

Then I struggled with my sexual orientation (I am Gay). I was told that if I got the Holy Ghost, prayed and fasted to be "delivered" from being Gay--that God would grant me the desires of my heart. I went through prayer lines and everything-- I tried it all!!! The Pastor would say the words, "faggot," "queer," and "tinkerbell" when referring to Gays. This really hurt me and made me feel that not only the Pastor hated me, but that God hated me too. I tried to commit suicide several times eventually landing myself in the hospital. I now feel that God did not hate me, but the church did.

I hope God still loves me. I made no CHOICE to be Gay. I have ALWAYS been Gay. Being Gay is very hard because not only your family hates you, but the church, the government, society, etc. hates you too. I often feel all-alone in this world. But I have finally realized that I cannot change something that is such a part of who I am. I am Gay and I will always be Gay.

The "pastor" of my church actually kicked me out because I did not pay enough tithes. I did NOT feel comfortable giving money to him or the church because he is very rich and it seemed like that is all he cared about--getting more money (tithes) from people. He drives a Cadillac and a Lincoln and wears Gucci and Rolex watches. He has the best of everything, but does not help his own people when they need it.


Copyright © Rick Ross

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