Under the Influence: Gaslighting In Cults
Gaslighting can happen to you, too
Psychology Today/January 7, 2025
By Robin Stern and Daniel Barban Levin
Key points
- Cults and gaslighting are two distinct phenomena, but they share many defining characteristics.
- Gaslighting is the glue that underpins cults—the interpersonal dynamic that sustains them.
- Many cult leaders weaponize their emotional intelligence through gaslighting to earn trust and devotion.
When it comes to cult phenomena, there is one phrase I hear over and over: That would never happen to me.
And it’s easy to understand why. With cult content ceaselessly streaming across platforms, viewers always have the upper hand. "I would never fall for that," we think to ourselves behind phones, laptops, or TV screens.
"How could they be so gullible?" we wonder. Then, having concluded that the explanation must lie with the victim’s own faults, we move on with our day.
But one thing I have learned from over 30 years of psychoanalytic practice with countless clients of all stripes and situations is that it can, indeed, happen to you. And the insidious nature of gaslighting is a big reason why.
Just ask Daniel Barban Levin, a survivor of the Sarah Lawrence Cult. On my podcast, The Gaslight Effect, Daniel reflected on his descent into gaslighting at the hands of cult leader, Larry Ray, while a student at Sarah Lawrence College. Daniel confessed that he would have said to himself, “I'm not someone who would be abused or would be in a cult, or would be manipulated,” while, at that very moment, he was in a cult “experiencing these things, which, in retrospect, were extreme.”
Daniel was like any of us: skeptical that he, too, could fall under the influence of a cult. But the cunning and deceptive nature of gaslighting does not discriminate. When a gaslighter wields their power over a group of individuals, the seeds of a cult can be easily sown.
To be sure, cults and gaslighting are two distinct phenomena, but they share many similarities, such as manipulative and controlling behavior. Let’s unpack each of them to better understand their warning signs and overlapping characteristics.
Gaslighting: What Is It?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a gaslighter psychologically manipulates a victim through a variety of Machiavellian tactics, such as denial, reality-spinning, and coercive control. Gaslighters often isolate their victims from family and friends and make them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. Victims are left feeling any combination of emotions like confusion, anger, dread, disillusionment, and depression.
Gaslighting can manifest as the weaponization of a gaslighter’s charismatic demeanor and emotional intelligence, or their ability to recognize and understand their own emotions as well as others’. This is precisely how many cult leaders entice their followers at the start, luring them in with validation, connection, and a sense of purpose.
In Daniel’s case, cult leader Larry Ray established trust and intimate connections among the group before gradually exploiting his relationships to enforce unhealthy eating and sleeping habits, nonconsensual sexual encounters, and labor exploitation—bona fide cult-like behavior.
Cults: What Are They?
Cults are the group or movement-like product of a particularly persuasive and alluring leader, such as Larry Ray. Exhibiting classic gaslighting behavior, Larry used his power and emotional intelligence to first gain the trust and admiration of a group of college students and then embed a culture of manipulation, exploitation, and authoritarian control throughout the cult at Sarah Lawrence.
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Cult followers—like many gaslighting victims—are physically and emotionally isolated from outside family and friends. Questioning the cult leader’s intentions or directions is strictly forbidden and met with gaslighting along with physical, emotional, or sexual punishment, further deepening followers’ dependency on the leader.
Cults have a hierarchy that must be adhered to, and gaslighting is how the leader’s power is continually reinforced. In short, the seams of a cult are held together by the leader’s gaslighting tactics in the extreme. Simply, “cult” is a name for a system that emerges between a gaslighter and "gaslightee(s)". “Gaslighting” is the glue, the interpersonal dynamic that underpins cults as well as many other systems in which one person seeks to control others.
How to Guard Yourself From the Gaslighting and Emotional Intelligence of Cult Leaders
As an expert on gaslighting (Robin) and as an expert in his own experience surviving a cult (Daniel), we offer some suggestions for ensuring your psychological safety amid a "cult-ural" climate inundated and intoxicated with gaslighting behaviors.
Trust yourself before you trust them. Especially if you grew up in a gaslighting environment, you may have never learned how to recognize and separate your emotions from those of a gaslighter or cult leader. It is crucial that you always check in with and trust your own feelings and well-being first before those of a gaslighter. You can ask yourself questions such as, “Do I really feel safe with this person?” and “Does my well-being feel dependent on whether or not they’re happy with me?”
- Their narcissistic tendencies make gaslighters and cult leaders masters of sowing psychological seeds that attempt to distort and define others’ emotional safety. They are expert enchanters. Learn to listen and trust your reality without their input.
- If you cannot reality-check with yourself, remember to reality-check laterally, not vertically. That is to say, if you have friends, loved ones, or colleagues who are in the same position as you and with the same level of power, ask them if they feel safe—if their experience is similar to yours. This is not the same as reality-checking upwards, which is with someone who has more power than you in the cult system. If you don’t feel you can check in with yourself, or you don’t feel you can check in with your peers, ask yourself, “Why not?”
- Remember that gaslighters are more than one redeeming act. Caught up in the enchantment of a gaslighter’s attention and adoration for you, it can feel nearly impossible to leave. But gaslighters are rarely, if ever, satisfied. They will only want and expect more from those they abuse, individually or collectively. Do not fall for grand gestures of forgiveness and redemption. The gaslighter sitting across from you is much more than a single charismatic act trying to woo you back into their realm of control, only to expose their cruelty and manipulation moments later.
- If you ever find yourself in a circumstance—whether it’s a relationship, a family, a workplace, anywhere—in which you’re convinced that one day you’ll do something right and things will be better, ask yourself: What if things could be good now? Do I feel I deserve to feel good and safe today? If not, then why?
- Signal your support system. In cults, sacrifice is the name of the gaslighting game, and they will only expect more from you as time goes on. The moment trusted colleagues, friends, or family become subject and second to pleasing your gaslighter is precisely the moment to hold your support system closer. As you walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your gaslighter’s expectations, confiding in trusted others is a critical step toward sustaining your sanity and identifying safe strategies for leaving a toxic cult environment.
- If people in your life you have known for a while—whether your relationship with them is good and close or not—express that something seems off about a new relationship dynamic you find yourself in, experiment with listening to them. If all else fails, experiment with taking a break from this new dynamic. And if you feel that you can’t take a break for a few days, ask yourself again: why not?
References
Stern, R. & Brackett, M. (2023, June 2). Gaslighting: Signs and strategies to handle it. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.
Stern, R. The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide. Rodale Books, 2023.
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