An eternal question begs an answer

Tampa Tribune/March 17, 1999
By Daniel Ruth

From the Gospel according to Ponzi: "And on the eighth day God, in a moment of whimsy, declared: 'Let there be knuckleheads.' And thus it was. And knuckleheads begat nincompoops and nincompoops begat ditzos and ditzos begat morons.

"And all God's nitwits set out for the Promised Land. And in time they arrived in the Promised Land. And they called the Promised Land - Tampa Bay. And God was well pleased.

"And then God created the U.S. Attorney and the State Attorney and the Internal Revenue Service and the interesting concept of subpoenas. And they were well pleased, too. So many knuckleheads, nincompoops, ditzos, morons and nitwits. And life was good.

"And so it came to pass that the Promised Land known as Tampa Bay became a Mecca of Mercenary Messiahs, shepherding their flocks of unsuspecting parishioners into an unwitting vow of poverty."

What is it about this place that attracts all manner of theological three card monte hucksters?

A few days ago, federal marshals swept down on the Tampa headquarters of Greater Ministries International and slapped into the hoosegow the group's head guru, a very strange man by the name of Gerald Payne, along with several other "church" officials on a litany of charges ranging from mail fraud, money laundering and essentially being a bunch of wackos.

It seems Greater Ministries allegedly had been running a pyramid scheme, which piled up thousands of witless customers willing to fork over millions of dollars to invest in dubious gold and diamond mines in Africa - all under the guise of making a religious contribution.

Greater Ministries used the Biblical verse from Luke 6:38, which reads "Give and it shall be given to you," to pass the Brink's truck among the faithful. A more appropriate verse would have been Barnum 1:1, "There's a sucker born every minute."

It's always an eternal question as to how people can be such dopes, blithely handing over thousands of dollars to some sweet-talking gasbag in a clerical collar, simply because the investment is called a "Double Your Blessing," or a "Faith Promise."

Blessed are the duped, for they shall make simply splendid witnesses.

But Gerald Payne and his cathedral of greed are only the latest in a long novena of phony faith healers lurking about the Tampa Bay area.

In a few days, the oh so incredibly very Rev. Henry Lyons will be sentenced in Pinellas County for his role in swindling $4 million from corporations Hank the Bank enticed to do business with the National Baptist Convention.

It's expected Hank the Clank will cut some sort of deal this morning with federal prosecutors to avoid trial on 54 counts of extortion, tax evasion, conspiracy and fraud. And yet, scores of NBC officials still think Hank the Skank is a peach of a fellow?

Blessed are the gullible, for they are so precious.

Like locusts, the area abounds with Deities of Duplicity. On one altar of avarice there is the Bishop Melvin Jefferson of the Deeper Life Christian Church, charged last year with with food stamp fraud which is estimated to have generated $20,000 a month by Hillsborough County Sheriff's detectives.

Until recently, the Church of the Avenger, a neo-Nazi rectory on Kennedy Boulevard held regular services until its leader, Charlie Eidson, the Redneck of the Reichstag, was sentenced to a lengthy retreat following his conviction on federal EPA violations.

And in Clearwater, those fun folks over at the Church of Scientology face felony counts in the death of Lisa McPherson, who mysteriously died after 2 1/2 weeks confined to the faith's loving care.

Why us? Why is Tampa Bay so heavily populated with detritus of divine dysfunction?

God only knows.

It could just be that we've been blessed with an almighty sense of humor.

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